Bill Clinton’s Publicist Presents “The Gaze Collection”
We recently heard a guest on NPR’s Talk of the Nation say that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has the uncanny ability — "like former President Clinton" – to make you feel like you’re the only person in the room. Over the years I’ve heard this quality ascribed to certain people, none more than our former president. As Lauren and I have been hitting a few receptions and Christmas parties and she chastises me for my lack of schmoozing skills, I was reminded of it again.
The idea came to me, fully formed, about five o’clock one morning after an interior decorator’s reception. I was so happy with how it came out and that I was able to actually remember and write it all down hours later, this conceit that such a talent could be commodified and marketed, like a private dancer or maybe a twister of balloon-animals.
.
BILL CLINTON’S PUBLICIST PRESENTS
“THE GAZE COLLECTION”
Former President Clinton’s ability to hold the gaze of a person in conversation and “make them feel like they’re the only person in the room” has been much celebrated, and, frankly, somewhat abused of late. While Mr. Clinton’s power to lock eyes like a tractor beam is surely astounding, it is not supernatural. He is human, and his charisma is not some trick to be trotted out at parties. The truth is, during the busy holiday season, when Mr. Clinton attends upwards of fifteen receptions weekly, sometimes he just wants to eat cheese cubes, drink Pinot Gris out of a plastic cup and engage in flaccid, dull-eyed conversation just like everyone else.
That being said, the Immediate Past President is still the champ when it comes to giving you a double-clutch handshake and making everyone else go poof. And he will always be the champ, no matter what anyone says about Reagan, whose abilities have been grossly exaggerated in death. So, in addition to his ordinary Holiday Party Appearance fee of $70,000, we offer the following packages – “Bill Clinton’s Gaze Collection.”
The Swirly Silence. The Former President will, in a one-on-one conversation, make you feel like you’re the only person in the room. The room will grow quiet, all other party action will slow down into a blur of faces and passed hors d’oeuvres. While you might in theory be able to make out nearby figures, you will be unable to pull yourself away from Mr. Clinton’s eyes. Duration: One song (excluding Clarence Carter’s “Strokin’”). Cost: $400, $200 extra for a friend to join you. Comes with your choice of red rose or carnation.
The Vanilla Sky. Starts off like The Swirly Silence, but after a moment you will have the option to look around. What you will see is an eerily empty hall. Go ahead, check under the table skirts. Where’d everybody go? Kind of like when Tom Cruise runs through Times Square without a soul in sight, isn’t it? Duration: One song of any length. Cost: $1,000. Comes with your choice of calla lily, orchid or rose of any color, plus a monogrammed handkerchief. For the Former President’s security, and your own, a Secret Service Agent will remain present.
The 2001. Hold on to your bourbon-and-ginger, you’re weightless! Feel like you’re twenty miles above the surface of the Earth. Watch the moon closely as that gray presidential coiffure comes crowning out behind it. Mr. Clinton’s head will float attentively as you gush about your Peace Corps experience and who you think will be the MLK of the Gay Rights Movement. Duration: 45 seconds. Cost: $12,000. Soften your re-entry with a bouquet of assorted flowers, two commemorative champagne flutes, and a towel used by the Former President at a Hyatt fitness center.
The Full Monty. You’ll be in a circle of people making jokes about Bush moving his lips when he reads, when the Former President will turn to you. “So Madison, what do you think we can do to curb childhood obesity?” As he looks into your eyes and awaits your answer, everyone around you will go silent and blurry, then vanish. After a brief trip to outer space, you will find yourself in a West Elm-appointed pied à terre with silk sheets on the bed. Bebop from a club below wafts through an open window; a Meat Lover’s pizza cools on the sill. Cost: Negotiable. Pied à terre experience may not be virtual.
